A genius, a storyteller, and a dozen fresh donuts
November 12 - 14: After New York and Philly comes Washington D.C., a city rich with history, museums, and memories. In between client visits and work from our downtown hotel, we meet some old friends. Munching on American comfort food, we talk about the time we met at a sexual freedom conference – and what it means to truly be yourself.
In the weekend we admire the iconic buildings DC is home to: the White House, the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, and the U.S. Capitol. Surreal memories come up of us being glued to our phones in Amsterdam while the Capitol was being stormed. Despite its relative walkability, it’s impossible to miss the feeling of history and grandeur in this city.
I kind-of made this cross-country trip once before, but in reverse: from San Francisco to New York. There’s no other trip that made me realize that the most life-changing experiences happen in that grey area between danger and safety – somewhere between “this is insane” and “this is worth the risk”. Being here, I find myself reminiscing past trips, the memories coming and going as we make our way through the city on foot. Isn’t it funny how memory works that way?
Coast to coast on a budget
It was 2014 and I had just spent half a year in Australia for a masters’ student exchange program. That summer – while trying to finish my thesis research on women’s sexualities – I traveled the US, on a shoestring. I hitched rides with strangers that I found on Craigslist and I took Greyhound buses – finding out the hard way that they’re nothing like the bus rides in Europe! I did volunteer work at an ashram, an organic farm, and visited friends I knew from my time at the University of California, Santa Barbara. I also signed up to volunteer at the sexual freedom summit in Washington D.C..
At the conference I crossed paths with the most interesting folks: sex ed bloggers, famous middle-aged feminist and trans porn stars, sexual rights activists, and a plethora of other individuals across the entire spectrum of the rainbow and beyond. It was a space where – for me and I imagine for many others – it felt so easy to fully be yourself. In between volunteer shifts I worked on my research, seated cross legged on a bed in a stranger’s house.
Enter: the storyteller.
I had taken up the offer to stay with a man who had a room available for conference volunteers. I only knew his name (‘Allan’), that he was also a volunteer at the conference, and that he would pick me up at the airport. When I think back of me as a 20-something-year-old making those decisions, I swear I’m worried for my younger self. But he turned out to be a wonderful human being: a Jewish Brazilian-American, vegetarian, loving hippie with the biggest heart. Allan showed me around DC for a whole week and introduced me to some colorful characters I still remember to this day.
His good friend of 40+ years also stole my heart immediately. (Enter: the genius, although he’d rather just be called Steve or Stephie). When we would go out exploring the museums, Steve would stop in the middle of the museum to practice his ballet moves. He’d make pirouettes in front of hefty national statues, showing not even the slightest sign of embarrassment. Steve – a curly-haired, two-spirited musician / ski-instructor / researcher / ballerina / artist / lover of sports cars – and so much more – does not fix a single box. He defies them all, he’s a genius at everything he does, and I adore him for it.
That ‘grey area’-decision left me with two wonderful friends
At night we reunite with Allan and Steve over pizza. There must be at least thirty years between us, and it doesn’t matter one bit. We talk about gender identity, concerts Steve organized on YouTube as a creative solution to the covid restrictions, and skiing. We talk business and travel and what it’s like to be a caretaker in covid-time. Steve shows me an artwork he created for a project: a still life of a barbie-couple intimately staring in each other’s eyes – taken at a studio at Montgomery College to satisfy the still life requirement for a photography course. We listen to one story after another starring the many fascinating people that play a part in Allan’s life: past and current lovers, spouses, friends, and family members from Brazil to Miami to DC.
We cross the parking lot to get freshly made donuts for dessert. You know when something was so good that you still think about it a few weeks later? Warm donuts covered in icing and the sweetest toppings that melt in your mouth – delicious. And while we sat outside that shop in the chilly November air, with a dozen donuts on our lap, I kept on thinking: what a gift it is to befriend people who expand your mind – people you can fully be yourself with.
What a joy it is to get to see the many ways it can look to live a wonderful life.
